Hide your kids, Hide your wife

What would you do if you woke up in the middle of the night and there were two robbers in your apartment?

1. Hide
2. Confront/Fight Robbers
3. Yell for Help

I think most women would hide, most men would also hide and some brave reckless douche-bags would confront the thieves. I really have no idea what I would do. Probably have a heart attack from the fear of being killed and then die in the bed. One less thing the robbers have to worry about.

My friend Mario told me that after coming home late at night and being held at gunpoint twice, he will never give up his wallet to muggers in the future.

I know what you’re saying, “Held up at gunpoint twice? Dang hommie!” But he lives in Englewood: home of Jennifer Hudson, Derrick Rose and the 47 shootings you saw reported on the evening news last night. It’s the most dangerous neighborhood in Chicago so going to the grocery store at 10 in the morning is the wrong place, wrong time. And not to question his manhood but he’s like 5’7, 140lbs. so there are probably more than a few thugs that think they can take him.

His argument was that most guys in the hood are not expert marksmen. If you zigzag, duck and roll you can dodge their bullets. 

Ummm, good luck with that. Afterwards maybe you can audition for the UniverSOUL circus too.

Then he said, “And don’t come at me with a knife.”

Well I would prefer to sit down and talk things out rationally too, but that’s not always an option. Unless you can go all Ryu on their ass and do some flying bicycle kicks, I say let them take what they want.

Ryu from Street Fighter

I started wondering if I should I take self-defense classes and would they really be useful in this situation? Maybe, but I think ninja stars would come in more handy or at the very least some pepper spray. This is why I can’t watch movies like Taken before I go to sleep at night.

It’s always good to be prepared but I probably don’t have to worry much about robberies. I’m basing this on two facts:

1. I don’t keep my blinds open at night, so people can’t see what I have and where it is. Why do people do that? You can literally drive by some people’s houses and make a diorama of their home.
2. I live on the third floor and the college girls that live on the basement level are probably going to get “got” before I do.

If you’re going to rob me you better be in pretty good shape because carrying a TV down 3 flights of stairs is no joke. And for your sake you’re going to want to be able to repel off a building or possibly have Spiderman web shooting powers. Next time I move, I’m going to hire movers with these capabilities for sure.

I did see an article from The University of Louisville’s Department of Safety (a highly respected source no doubt) on What NOT To Do During A Robbery that said:

Don’t chase or follow the robber. You could be mistaken for the robber in a pursuit by police.

And I agree, mainly because I’m black. Take from that what you will.

But God forbid I did get robbed. I would want the thieves to take whatever they wanted - just not my cell phone or my virginity. That 2008 edition MacBook? It doesn’t go into sleep mode when you close it but be my guest. The PS3? Sometimes the game freezes and you have to start the whole thing over again, but sure. My teapot collection? Not interested? Fair enough.

Obviously I have thought about keeping a butterfly knife handy in case I need to stab an intruder and then scream for help but I paid good money for this rug in Korea-town and I don’t want any bloodstains on it. And I don’t have a gun but in Illinois you can shoot an intruder and not get sued for it. That’s a step up from Florida where if you shoot and kill a crook they give you free coupons for pizza hut. Gross.

Hot dog stuffed crust Pizza Hut pizza. Only in America, home of the brave

I should probably be more worried about apartment fires since I have bad short-term memory and I like to light candles for ambiance. All viable reason's to get renter's insurance.